Regret and Rebirth

BOB I is coming up, and I just can't help but have this thought of me taking things for granted.

I knew last year was my last with my delegation.  I knew that was it, and after that there was no turning back.  BOB I went by, BOB 2 went by, Sacramento came by, and when it came to the friendship service, I gave two speeches - one I partially rehearsed and wrote so many versions of while chairing sessions, and a second one that came from the heart.

The bad thing is that though it had genuine intentions, none of them felt that way. 

I left the room with no tears in my eyes.  I wasn't crying.  In fact, I was smiling and saying "I'll see you later", "I'll miss you", and all these other things, and I knew it was genuine then, but looking back now, it seems that it wasn't.

I don't know, maybe it's a trail of tears, whether it be from joy or sadness that binds people together, some bind of emotion that links between them... some chain of genuine emotion and passion that I never got to experience because I was too macho to let it out, and a possible belief that I look ugly when I cry.

When I look at Scott's photos now for the lack of a better metaphor, it's like watching porn and I'm trying to hide it from people, and I don't ever want them to find out that I miss the experience, the people, because I was once there, and I'm just simply wondering if they're having the time of their lives their as they should, considering that they're paying a thousand plus dollars for it.

Then, I did the Intern Program on a whim, as it miraculously fit my schedule, and kept me busy.  Selfish as I may sound, I genuinely wanted to do this from the beginning because I knew what was expected, and what was going to happen (very partially.)

If this really is my second family, then I see this as my second chance.  No what-ifs, no regrets. 

It's like senior year all over again.