Limit Break

There is an expression called "Running out of luck".

I feel like I've been having too much luck lately, and mine's about to run out.  Again, who knows?

It seems like that everytime something good happens to me, I have to think about what's next.  It's as if a road ended and I have to start another one.  But I really don't want to put it that way.

Or maybe I'm just tired.

If anything, I'll just remember the advice that I gave to Aubrey earlier:  Do everything I'm supposed to do and everything would fall perfectly.

Placebo Effect

I could not be happier for myself this thanksgiving weekend as I actually had three parties that I planned on going to.

Now, that's college life.  Partially kidding.

While it's very superficial to say that college life is all about parties, and not academics (see, Van Wilder), It's very false.  If you don't go to school, you fail, and if you fail, then you are expelled or out from the campus.  So basically, I'd give it a 60:40 ratio, Academics-Party.  That's if you do care.  And if you have a greater Academics-Party Ratio, then more power to you.

While the common theme in parties is fun, there is another common theme that exists in these places that could either be very lucid to the naked eye, or the opposite if you're too oblivious to see if you're having too much fun:

Shyness.

Yup.  Shyness is a detriment to any social event, especially if you don't know the people there, or only know one or two of them.  I would be lying, and not headed for life success if I didn't say that I was a shy person, because I am.  Again, why do you think I've never been in a relationship in my life after 19 years of living?

But this one's different.  It's so different that you could actually differentiate it when you're given two samples of it, kind of like blue.  There's navy blue, there's baby blue.  It's easy to spot.

The navy blue kind of shyness is social, as in you're shy in meeting new people because you don't share the same interests as them.  People should have different personalities, because as much as I love myself, I wouldn't want a billion of myself around.  One, it's too boring, two, the world would be grumpy, and three it's definitely a gay population (because it's all males).

The baby blue kind of shyness is more of a puppy love one.  For instance, you're crushing on someone, you want to tell them, sing them the corniest song that comes first to your mind, but you can't because...

1. No balls to do it
2. A ton of excuses to provide
(Thanks to Hassan Abdulla for this list)

The solution to this is basically the term "taking the plunge" - As in, just doing it without having a care in the world and having fun.  I don't know, be like a drunk Tucker Max - all happy and stuff, just don't drink off his CamelBak, or else.

I personally believe that this concept of the plunge is much easier to take in a friend-making scenario, because you really have nothing to lose except another person to talk to.  On the other hand, if you do, do (yes doo-doo, name your joke) take the plunge romantically, the possibility of losing a friendship is there,or actually strengthening it, because you actually had the balls to say it -> Eminem rhyme.  (Sue me.) 

A placebo is described as a fake medication.  Researchers use it to see how people react to the medicine.  Sometimes, people get better because they think the medicine did it. 

Shyness is just like a placebo effect, except the opposite.  It is the power of the mind that drives us this way, and sometimes it's the possible negative thoughts of people that drive us this way. 

Basically, let me sum it up with my own version of a Tucker Max quote:

If you don't like me, then... you know the rest.

Decisions, squared.

Before I start, today's math class was ridiculous.  In my Intermediate Algebra class, my professor taught about the 30-60-90 and the 45-45-90 triangles and what radicals belong to them.  He just made it more complicated, and thank God I have my trig notebook lying around somewhere for those pieces of information.

But during that time, I was asking myself as to whether or not I should go to Westchester's Academic Night.  One of my solutions into making this decision was to flip a coin.  Heads, I go and vice versa.  The other one was more of a self reassuring quote, but failed to no avail.  And the third idea, was to get a facebook poll, and by popular vote, I went, and needless to say it was worth my time catching up with my people even though it was only for a couple of minutes.

I decided to do these ridiculous methods of decision making, because I'm really bad at it. Flipping a coin is a fair method of doing it, despite facts learned from statistics class that it isn't really a fifty fifty chance.  There's no bias involved in a coin flip, and I was willing to do what the coin told me to. 

On the other hand, the quote that I wrote in my notebook was "Don't let anyone become a priority if they saw you as an option".  While I believe that I will rarely, if never be a priority to my friends, I'm pretty sure that those words will hurt them because while without sounding narcissistic or egotistical, there's a speck within them that cares about me, and others as well (but they have their own specks.)

In the end, I decided to go and watch, since I went through all the trouble of getting the car for the night, and it would totally be worthless if my efforts went to waste.  I gave everyone my congratulations and a hug, and caught up with my friends, and a couple of my friends' parents and a teacher. 

It was time well spent, and as always, a lesson learned.

Always trust your instincts.

There was once upon a time where I liked playing chess, and I didn't care if I sucked at it.  Not that I did, but I felt like I was adequate at it.

The concept of Chess is to get the king into a checkmate.  To do so, one has to scheme and plan each piece (pieces have a different purpose and move in various ways) so that it can do so.

Irony is, I love predicting the future, but there are so many things that could possibly happen, and while it is true that some of my hunches might be right, the chances of them happening are slim to none, since there might be that other scenario that I just never thought about, which totally changes the game.

For some reason unknown, I always think about the future or the past rather than the present.

A good example for this is that when I talk to most of my friends, I could not help but rehash old memories, because I have nothing else to think or talk about.  It makes me feel like I'm a bad friend because I'm only sticking to the past, and not looking to build up something new.  My basic thought on this is that I hope it doesn't take a jigsaw (referring to Saw, the fourth one?) game where my past has to be burnt, or something.

As for the future, I'm always concerned on the "what would", how could, and anything else that can fall between those lines.  For example, I'm thinking about the possibility of me getting behind at Camp Roberts because Mario forgot about me, or something else in general.

I think that if I had a chance for three wishes, one of them would be removing my habit of thinking too much.

Mash-up

Why is it that people believe in prayer if nothing ever goes right for them? Do people believe that it's their saving grace? I mean, even atheists or other religions do it (and sometimes to the wrong god.)

I always had this faith that everything would fall in place if I did everying right, especially when it counted. As of now, I'm very concerned about my ride to camp roberts for this friday. It seems like a long time coming, but for me it isn't, as time is ticking down and I can only wait until a certain time to wait for my next move.

It's wack.

Speaking of wack, a friend has jokingly (so I hope) speculating on my sexuality, thinking that I'm gay.

What.

I have nothing against gays. In fact, I support the fact that they are just as free as straights. But that's another issue.

While I'm a guy that has a tv schedule half suited for chicks (top model, greek, glee), I'm just the unfortunate victim of social awkwardness and low self esteem, and perhaps trauma. (Ask me about the last part, if you wish)

So really, In quoting young mc, I'm a straight man who doesn't want to hang myself on a celibate rope, nor do I want to become a monk abd leave the situation.

Tuesday tomorrow, and that could only mean a massive prep day for me tomorrow.

Gotta love tuesdays.

Regret and Rebirth

BOB I is coming up, and I just can't help but have this thought of me taking things for granted.

I knew last year was my last with my delegation.  I knew that was it, and after that there was no turning back.  BOB I went by, BOB 2 went by, Sacramento came by, and when it came to the friendship service, I gave two speeches - one I partially rehearsed and wrote so many versions of while chairing sessions, and a second one that came from the heart.

The bad thing is that though it had genuine intentions, none of them felt that way. 

I left the room with no tears in my eyes.  I wasn't crying.  In fact, I was smiling and saying "I'll see you later", "I'll miss you", and all these other things, and I knew it was genuine then, but looking back now, it seems that it wasn't.

I don't know, maybe it's a trail of tears, whether it be from joy or sadness that binds people together, some bind of emotion that links between them... some chain of genuine emotion and passion that I never got to experience because I was too macho to let it out, and a possible belief that I look ugly when I cry.

When I look at Scott's photos now for the lack of a better metaphor, it's like watching porn and I'm trying to hide it from people, and I don't ever want them to find out that I miss the experience, the people, because I was once there, and I'm just simply wondering if they're having the time of their lives their as they should, considering that they're paying a thousand plus dollars for it.

Then, I did the Intern Program on a whim, as it miraculously fit my schedule, and kept me busy.  Selfish as I may sound, I genuinely wanted to do this from the beginning because I knew what was expected, and what was going to happen (very partially.)

If this really is my second family, then I see this as my second chance.  No what-ifs, no regrets. 

It's like senior year all over again.